I feel exhausted, dejected. I don’t know if I can do this, it seems like too much!
“You can,” His tone is confident as He replies to my thoughts.
“I have to?” I am almost ashamed to ask.
“Yes.” His tone is stern now.
“You are angry…” I whisper, becoming fearful again.
“Yes, you willfully disobeyed me. You must learn to obey.”
I see my own disobedience and know He must correct. I brace myself for His command, knowing He will not leave this work unfinished.
“Expose those places to Me.”
I have no choice, no option and I do not like it. But, I am too spent to do otherwise and I obey. As I do, He begins:
I see the true nature of my disobedience. While claiming to obey I have been manipulating His instruction into my own will. At best, my obedience was only partial, rationalized, excused, and explained. I made it all look good, but it was not full submission. I am horrified. I am not who and what I believed myself to be! I feel lost, disoriented. Who is this person I thought myself to be? I am filled with grief—for my sin, for my loss of self, for everything. I am spent, but know I am not fully changed. The overwhelming grief seems to shut out everything around me.
“Come to me, now.” I hear His voice. I had forgotten Him, but He is still here! Part of me does not believe that He would stay through this. He is seeing all this in me and yet He stays!
“No more now.” I hear His voice again. “You cannot go further now. You are spent. Let Me hold you, comfort you.” He lifts me up and takes me in His arms, my head on His shoulder.
“Papa, this is the hardest place yet. I know I must, but I am afraid to fully obey.” I whisper, exposing the depth of my heart to Him. I am surprised to hear myself saying this, but somehow it is easy to pour myself out to Him.
“I know,” He replies. “But this will change. I am here.”
I sleep in His arms, but it is an uneasy rest. I dream of monsters.