I sleep. When I wake, He is still there. In truth, I am surprised that He is. The depths of my heart cannot understand why He would still be there, after all the correction, revelation of the night before.
I try to move. “It hurts! Oh, God, it hurts! Worse than anything I have known, it hurts!” I don’t think I meant to cry out aloud.
“I know.” He replies, comfortingly, but still the pain is there. He offers nothing more.
“Why? Why does it have to hurt so much?” I cannot believe how demanding I am in this moment.
“To change your soul. To change the structures you built keeping all this in place.” His voice is so patient in explaining. He does not seem bothered to answer my questions. I do not understand His patience, nor His willingness to explain to me anything. He owes me no explanation, yet gives it freely in this moment.
Still I find myself whining. “It hurts.” I sound like a little child, even to myself.
“I know.” He is still patient with me.
In the midst of the pain, I marvel that He is still there. “You never left me, you never even turned your face from me, turned away. In the midst of all of this, you never even looked away.”
“No, I did not, Come close to me.” His strong arm pulls me into Him.
Suddenly though, I remember the pain, the sin. I curl in on myself. “I can’t, I can’t! It hurts!” I cry out; I am torn though. A part of me wants to press into Him, a part of me wants to run away.
Without another word, He moves close to me, firmly encircling me with His strong arm. “Here, rest. Regain your strength.”
He seems so concerned about me, it is hard for me to understand. I rest my head on His shoulder, gingerly, not fully relaxed in this place. “We’re not done, are we?”
“Will it get worse?”
“Yes.” His honestly is disconcerting to me, but I know that He is honest.
I knew He would say that! “How?” I can’t imagine what might still be—I’d never seen what I saw the past night and I can’t fathom what might be next. It hurts! I don’t know that I want to go on, to do this any more.
“I will be with you. Now, rest with Me.”
I obey, leaning my head against His breast. “It hurts,”
“I know.” He is so very patient with me right now.
And yet, something is becoming clearer to me. . “I think I see something now—why it has to this way, the pain. I never really know before how bad this was to you. I never saw myself as so unclean, so very sinful before. I’d brushed it all off, thought it was just little things. But it is not to You, is it?”
“No.” His voice sounds pleased, though.
“Last night, you wouldn’t stop, you wouldn’t let me go. I shrank back and hid from you.”
“Yes” He seems to encourage me to go on.
“But you weren’t angry. You just told me to return, we weren’t done.”
“Yes—and you obeyed. It is not the shrinking back I saw, but our obedience. I don’t mind waiting for you. I want your heart. Now, let Me touch those raw place, let me bring you healing.”
I hesitate. “It hurt so much the last time you touched those places.” I whisper, afraid.
“I know, but the pain has made your heart open. Let me touch and heal now.”
“I don’t know if I can.” I whisper, afraid. Tears threaten to overwhelm me now.
“It is alright, I’ll wait. Rest with me here a while longer.” He is patient with me in this place.