Monday, February 06, 2006

Chapter 2: Exposure and Obedience, pt.2

He takes my arm and we walk again. It seems surreal. If I am not who I thought myself to be, who I made myself to be, then who am I. I don't know who I am! Though I walk with Him, I find that I feel lost. "I don't know who I am! How am I to know?" We stop for a moment.

"Do not worry, I do know who you are. I will take you to meet yourself. Trust me, you will like her." He explains, somewhat confusingly.

We walk again. I try to get a handle on what He has just said, but I do not feel like I have. "I am trying! I want to do this right!" I cry out in frustration.

"I know. I see your heart." He replies. Then there is quietness again.

We walk on for quite some distance. I am not certain of where we are going. "Do you hate this process?" I finally ask, thinking over the last several days and needing to break the silence. I feel sure I know His answer--something about a necessary evil.

He surprises me when He says, "No. I do not. I do not mind it at all." He pats my hand as he holds it on His arm.

I am confused. "The crying, the fussing, the tears, the screaming and hiding--it doesn't bother you?"

"No, it does not. I know your heart, I know where we are going; this is the only path. I am not distressed."

" I thought you would be angry at me for putting you through all this." I am truly surprised at His reactions.

"Why? It is my pleasure to walk with you. All of this is just part of the walk."

I stop. "How can You love me so when You know what is in my heart? You know, surely You know how unclean I am! How can You not be angry?"

"It is not about what you are," He tells me gently, "but about who I am. This is apart of your idolatry problem."

My heart is pierced, but I cannot see clearly. I try, but cannot.

"Do not worry, we will come back here again, when you are stronger." We walk on in quiet once again.

"Papa God," my voice seems very small now. "I like to call you that."

"I like it when you do too."

"I always thought you were angry with me, that I could never please You, that You had to be angry with me to correct me."

"No little one--those times you thought me angry, I was not. I am rarely angry with those whose hearts are soft towards me."

Silently I wonder if I am one of those. He kisses the top of my head. "You are."

I weep at this, but my heart is confused, my feelings are hard to sort out right now. We continue to walk, but I find myself distracted. He had said we were going to a new place, I think, sometime a moment ago. My confusion is deep and I cannot focus. Deep within though, I think my heart knows where He is taking me.

Part 3-->

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